I've been thinking a lot....stressing a lot....worrying a lot....and I've just come to one conclusion. I've been slowly shutting myself down, letting myself spiral to a point where I feel like life ain't worth living and I just hurt people while alive....

So I need to stop being scared to live, to learn anything new, to grow more...For days I've been begging to God that He'd end my suffering, but...I guess He knows I would do a better job with only some help from Him on the side.

So I'm gonna restart....I shut down like a computer with a virus, and now I need to reboot. Re-evaluate my life. Renew my friendships and my love. Let my goddamn HEART heal! And that includes taking some memories down....I hate it, but having it posted to be immortalized online is the worst I could do.

Hell, I'll probably even stay AWAY from DA for a while....maybe only comment now and then....because I really...REALLY have some thinking to do now, and decisions to make. Sadly, this might include putting some people out of my life. (Ex; I won't hang out with Tiff or talk to my mom much because their fight wounded me. I faced them pre-maturely, so I have to re-evaluate my reactions between them.)


Of course, I'll still try to post and get my list done But I'll have to take one step at a time...


And I probably have to stay away from people for a while....certain people I hurt a LOT, and I want to give them space so...when I talk to them....I won't be shut out. I've abused love time and time again and the reason why is because I want to hurt. But I need to get past that and face my damn fears.

Because I truly love the people who I actually USE the word "love" to. I've abused and milked that for too long, and now I want to mean it again. I've abused myself to the point where the pain leaks into others....and you guys don't need that, no one does. (Unfortunately, being able to heal with the friends and family around me is harder since....I'd have to take a vacation by myself to truly stop and think over situations involving those people)



I just wanted to say that....probably the only remnants of my past pain would be in the 100 Theme Challenge and poems that people seemed to like, that's all.

So now I just need some time to breathe...and occasionally a hand to hold when my suicidal thoughts get bad.....I'm coming back, rebooting slowly and going through the motions...so I can be calm and sleep well at night knowing I'm going to heal and maybe even heal those around me that I've hurt with my actions.